She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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