mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize