I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I intend to get homeless drunk
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize
