Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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