Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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