To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize