she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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