My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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