drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
