Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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