Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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