how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
