I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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