I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
