It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
