there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize