I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
