I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need a beard to bite.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
