Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
