Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
