We got so high we made milksteak
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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