Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
