you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
