Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize