Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
