Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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