im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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