giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
