Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
