So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
