the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
