did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
