She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
