First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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