This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
