it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
