Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
