When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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