drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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