I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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