Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
