maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
