That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
