I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
