My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Two words: blizzard sex
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
