He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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