Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize