I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
