Don't make out with my wife yet
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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