Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
