You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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