Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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