So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
