so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
