I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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