Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
