Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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