ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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