perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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