I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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